It is not uncommon, when you start the process of a divorce, to want to know what the plan is to finish your divorce. If it were only that simple!
When I was growing up, my mom was a labor and delivery nurse and I remember how she would tell me the most frustrating patients were the women that would come in to the hospital, in labor, with a birth plan. These were the women that had planned out how they wanted to have their babies – no pain meds, soft music, water births, calm and serene so the baby could enter the world in peace. Enter: reality and complications. That was not typically written into a birth plan. What if a woman’s water broke early or the cord was wrapped around his head or there had to be an emergency c-section? The birth plan went out the window, but the parents were loathe to stray from their plan even when complications arose.
This is the same with a divorce. When I first meet with people who are exploring the potential of divorce, some want a plan, a roadmap from start to finish. I stay away from plans and prefer options. Options give us possibilities in case “complications” arise. There are so many options in the path of a divorce or dissolution that having one plan to get you from start to finish simply is not reasonable. We need to have more than one plan in case “Plan A” does not work out.
For example, in many cases, the marital home is the biggest asset parties have. Oftentimes, one side or the other wants to keep the house (Plan A). To do so, assuming the house was bought during the marriage, the house is going to be mortgaged to both parties so the person wanting to keep the home will need to refinance the mortgage out of the other person’s name but, say they don’t qualify for a mortgage, so the parties opt to sell the house instead (Plan B) or even that the other party decides to keep the house (Plan C).
Cases can change course mid-case. While it may be the intent of the parties to both remain local and have shared parenting with an equal time schedule, during the course of the case, one parent may change jobs, voluntarily or involuntarily, which may necessitate a change of the parenting time schedule.
While it is easy to look at these changes as hits on one another, it is important to look at the bigger picture. For the financial pieces of the case, the goal remains what is fair and equitable. A party is not looked upon more favorably if they qualify for a mortgage when the other party may not qualify for a mortgage. Just as with the parenting pieces, parents should not be punished when they are offered jobs that may necessitate a job that may require a shift in the parenting schedule. As with any many that involves children, the focus needs to stay with what is in the best interest of the children.
While your end result may look different than what you expected it would when you first began the process of divorce, it most likely is the result you needed it to be – as what is fair and equitable and in the best interest of the children. Remember that the initial idea was one you may have come up with but the end result was more likely a collaboration by several people coming at it from several perspectives which gives the final result a more even handed outcome.